My Penis Girl

Well, I suppose it’s time I started blogging about all of this.

Where to begin?

Just over five years ago, I had my first (and only) child.  A boy!  Cool!  Boys love their moms, right?  He’d be a hip, feminist guy like his dad, who loved Legos and martial arts and sci-fi but could cook, too.  And I’d also be able to avoid all those icky Disney Princesses.

My son was barely three years old when he informed me that I’d got it wrong.  Silly me: I’d been fooled, as so many of us are, by the whole penis/vagina thing.  My child set me straight:

“Mom, I think something went wrong when I was in your tummy, because I was supposed to be born a girl, but I was born a boy instead.”  He wanted me to put him back in the womb to right the wrong. He was sobbing.

You know that sinking feeling you get when something isn’t right with your kid, like your insides are caving in and squeezing all the air out of your lungs?

That feeling brought me to my knees that day, down on the floor at eye-level with my child, pulling him/her into my arms.  “There’s nothing wrong with you,” I said, hoping this was true.  “Nothing! You can be a girl! You can be a girl!” Could he?

And what I was saying to myself was, Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God, what am I going to do and how am I going to make this OK?

Two very eventful years have passed since then.  My child’s father and I split up (that’s unrelated, but relevant).  I got help from a psychologist who specializes in gender-nonconforming kids. I joined a local support group for parents with kids like mine.  We’ve made friends with other young children and adults who are gender-nonconforming and transgender.  I’ve read the books, watched the movies, and I’ve worried and second-guessed myself.  A lot.

For the first year, I hesitated, letting my child grow her hair long and wear dresses everyday, but pushing back when she wanted to switch pronouns and change her name.  I tried hard to present alternative scenarios:  I bought her a cool T-shirt that said “Boys Can Wear Pink.” I showed her paintings on the Internet of Medieval nobles dressed in tights and lace.  I told her that pink had actually been seen as a BOY color until really really recently, while blue was for girls (true!). I bought her the cool new children’s book, My Princess Boy, about a little boy who  loves “girl stuff” and his parents love him anyway.  Man, I tried. But the kid was unmoved.

Prince_Page_Nobleman

I finally gave in when I realized I was the only one still clinging to the idea that I had a boy.  Everyone else – grandparents, neighbors, preschool teachers, our friends, her father – had all welcomed her with open arms into the girl world, and I was the last hold-out.  I realized what a betrayal that was, for her Mom – the person who was supposed to be her biggest supporter and protector – to not get on board.  So… I let my little boy go.  It was really hard at the time, and I grieved.  I missed my baby boy.  I’m not quite sure why.  She had barely left her toddler years, so it’s not like we’d had years of boyhood behind us.  In what way had this androgynous baby ever really been a boy except as a creation of my own mind?  And yet, I grieved the loss of that creation.  Apparently that’s a standard part of the process for us parents with kids like this: grieving the boy or the girl who is gone but still there, differently.

I don’t grieve anymore.  My child, M., now lives full-time as a girl (she calls herself “a girl with a penis”), and she is happy and confident.  Unless she’s naked, you’d never guess she’s got what my dad calls “boy plumbing.”

These days, I read every trans-related newspaper article, blog, and memoir I can get my hands on.  Anything to help me understand what it might be like inside my young child’s head, anything that might help me keep her safe, and anticipate what lies ahead – emotionally, socially, medically.  I’ve learned a lot about gender identity but I know I have a ton more to learn.  When I’m frustrated with how clueless people are about this (“No, my 5-year-old has not had a ‘sex change operation.’  She’s five!”), I try to remember that I was just as clueless two years ago.

I now know that transgender people can live wonderful (if perhaps not simple) lives if they have the loving support of their families.  And you have mine, M., always.

But I am still terrified for you.

122 thoughts on “My Penis Girl

  1. So beautifully written. You, my dear, are a wonderful person. As a mother of an almost 3 year old daughter, I hope I am at least half the mother you are to sweet M. You and your words are such an inspiration and I have so enjoyed reading every post you’ve written thus far. I’m so happy I stumbled across your blog. You have a loyal follower in me from here on out. You’ve opened my mind and taught me so many things in just the past hour or two upon reading through your posts. You are solid proof that there is still lots of ‘good’ here on this earth. Thank you, gendermom.

  2. Yes, mom, you’re very brave, and smart, and a marvellous, intelligent, eloquent role model for others, especially other parents who may deal with gender nonconforming kids. Above all, the love you’ll gain through the approach to this challenging unexpected circumstance, for lack of better words, will be a blessing you’ll enjoy, a pleasure, privilege, astounding reward you’ll derive over and over and over

  3. This brought me to tears. You are a truly incredible woman and your daughter is so lucky to have you in her life. Her life will be hard and that will be hard for you of course but she is yours because you have the strength and love to be okay with it and to show her how to be okay with it. Love. Xx

  4. Congratulations to you! It’s definitely a difficult task that you’ve got in your hands but my hat goes off to you for the amazing way that you’ve informed yourself to guide and protect your girl the best possible way. I’ve got two sons and a gay brother. To me, my gay brother has never been a issue. If he’s happy, I’m happy for him. If my kids decide to be anything different from what society thinks, that’s OK! It’s the XXI century and thank God there’s more acceptance every day. I know it is not an easy job, specially with the narrow minded people but keep up the good work! You’re doing the best you can, you have a confident little girl and that’s what matter most!
    Xoxo!

    • So, that level of aggression in your response means that you’re really unhappy with this parenting situation, or further, that you’d like to clean the world of “nutcases”, is that right? What do you recommend: incarceration in a psychiatric ward; or perhaps the child should be taken from its mother and placed elsewhere? Where does your aggression lead to in terms of fixing such a ‘problem’? Or are you actually OK with leaving the child with the mother? Did you really need to post an insult regarding someone you don’t even know? We all now certainly understand that you consider this gender question reflective of deep psychological aberration, because you called the way this mother has addressed her child’s gender asynchronicity “disgusting”, and you really did imply she might not be worthy of having a child in her care! That is a very serious accusation and implication. So, will that be the way it is here: hurtful insults that diminish every aspect of the mother’s being, but – due to your compassion or distance from this very real issue – no inflammatory physical action or calls to authorities will be made by you? Well, even further as we caress this issue: would you go out of your way to report a mother you didn’t know at all as being unfit to have a child because she is actually (bravely) addressing an issue that you have demonstrated complete ignorance in? Would you put a mother through the horror of a child services type of nightmare in order to gain some notion of satisfaction that you carry with you? Your opinion leads horrendously in that direction. Is your demand for your kind of satisfaction or, by extension, for a larger sociologically and clinically desirable regime of “normal” parenting, based on actual physical evidence and genuine understanding? Please note:

      1. “The overwhelming evidence in favor of an internal gender identity that may be at odds with genetics or anatomy and that resists change has been abundantly spelled out elsewhere. However, for those who may be new to the study of gender, I will outline some of the highlights here:

      [1] “Differences in brain structure between cis- and transgender, where transgender brains have been found more closely to resemble brains corresponding to their identified gender [actual brain structure can intrinsically demonstrate what the true core (mind) gender identity of the person is, while the biological and physical presentation – the physical body – can be the total opposite].

      [2] “Decades of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors of all varieties trying and completely failing to change gender identity [presumptuous psychological manipulation working against deep reality].

      [3] “Experience with people whose bodies were altered in infancy unbeknownst to them but who clung to the gender identity associated with the body sex they were born with [presumptuous biological/physical manipulation working against deep reality].

      [4] “Research showing that certain drugs taken during pregnancy appear to increase the chance of the offspring being transgender, even if the offspring is not aware that drug was used [powerful evidence that metabolic/physiological chemical/drug poisoning/contamination interferes catastrophically with human sexual development].” (Suzi Chase 2016, “Flat-Earth Transphobia”; Source: https://www.susans.org/2016/06/01/flat-earth-transphobia/; accessed: 2 June 2016)

  5. Its so amazing to know that there are parents out there who are not only willing to understand their child, but who put in the work to do so when they come across what they *don’t* understand.

    It warms my heart to know that there are trans kids today with parents supporting them, not turning them away. Thank you, truly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s