New podcast episode: Just Maybe



M. with her beloved doll, Iris (doll and matching dresses hand-made by her amazing Auntie R.)

It was about a year after she transitioned – around age six – when I realized that if my daughter continued along this path, she was never going to be a mommy.  At least not a biological one.  I’ve grieved for this quietly for a long time now, and I haven’t had the heart to tell my daughter the bad news.  It seemed like such a cruel thing to tell your young child:  You will never have a baby.  

But recently a sliver of hope appeared: I learned about some ways in which my child might actually have a shot at becoming a biological parent.  It’s not a sure thing; it’s a maybe.  Just maybe…

You can listen to the story here >

6 thoughts on “New podcast episode: Just Maybe

  1. Well, Gendermom, we have all learned to never say never so, yes, “just maybe” is the correct answer. We don’t know what might be possible in the near and far future. Still, one lesson we’ve all had to learn is to have high expectations and strive for them, but learn to live successfully with the situations that life ultimately dishes out for us. Happiness really is a state of mind and not a physical condition. May M and you have nothing but happiness in your lives.

  2. I’m wondering if something like Cytoplasmic transfer could help?
    Like if you took the DNA form a non-reproductive cell and put it into a donor egg?
    (I’m not a geneticist, but I thought it might be something to ask your friend)

  3. I really appreciate your podcast, because my kid is genderqueer. But I am listening to this episode and crying. My partner gave birth to our child, who is completely mine as well, even if he did not come out of my body. For gay people (including trans women in lesbian relationships), this is normal. I hate the idea that my situation is sad, or that my mother might have grieved it, because I did not “really” have my child.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that the episode made your cry. I’ve had a similar response from other parents who hear that episode and feel that it was saying that being an adoptive parent is “less than” in some way, and I can see how it would come across that way. I was trying to express my own fears and feelings, which include a sadness at the idea that my child will likely not have the option of being a biological parent. I know that many people do feel sadness at the idea that they won’t be biological parents (or grandparents). Perhaps it’s because we’ve been conditioned by society to feel this way? I suspect that there is also an evolutionary/biological component to it. But if adopted kids are just as much our real children as bio kids (and I believe they are!), then why should I be sad about the fact that my daughter will likely be an adoptive mom instead of a bio mom? Why should it matter? I feel similarly when people are sad or scared about the idea of having a trans child. Why should that be a sad thing, unless you think being trans is somehow inferior to being cis? Your comment made me think this through more carefully, and again, I’m sorry that my episode made you sad or gave the impression that I believe adoption is a lesser form of parenting. If I think about it, I think most of my sadness is not that my daughter won’t have her own bio kids, but that she doesn’t get to choose, that it’s already probably off the table when she’s still a little kid. It’s hard to see choices taken away from your child, to see her left out of something that most of her peers will have access to (although not all, as you pointed out). Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, and for making me think about this from another perspective.

      Warmest wishes,

      • Thanks so much for this thoughtful and heartfelt response. I am also on this scary (and wonderful) journey of parenting a gender-nonconforming child, and I really appreciate what you’re doing.

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